i'm sorry to be posting about negative feelings on here again, but i always feel somewhere like this is at least better than posting about it on my fb. just been feeling really bitter, alone, sad, and lost. i really don't feel like i can trust people anymore. many of the people closest to me lately i have caught lying, and not just little white lies. they turn out to be the exact opposite of what they are telling me or pretending to be. or they do or say things behind my back, yet say and act differently to my face. yeah, i get it, many people are like that all the time. but it hurts when it's coming from someone who is supposed to be your friend and you actually believed in. and it's been like, nearly everyone all at once lately. idk wtf is going on. but ya know what? i'm just gonna stop caring. bcuz caring too much really sucks. fuck that. people wonder why i've become so cold and distant. because i can't trust anyone. i'm always feeling alone and been battling with depression alot lately. and tbh, i don't even trust myself anymore. there are times i really don't know what i want anymore. i do know, i just want to be happy. i want to be able to make others happy again, too. i keep having dreams about dying, and i wake up wishing they were real sometimes.
i did not post this for any pity. i just really needed to vent. i will get better and try to feel better, i am working on it. i want to be a better person. but right now i think it's best that i just don't care anymore and focus on actual goals.
"i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad; the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had. i find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take; when people run in circles it's a very, very... mad world"